But don’t worry if you don’t get ‘em this time, mama! The holidays have just begun and you know that Christmas is peak mom-shaming season. Soon you’ll have endless opportunities to try to stand up for yourself and fail all over again!

Trigger Warning: Traumatic Birth, Maternal Mortality

Relax now because you won’t get to enjoy this peace for much longer! Unless… SURPRISE! You have a heart condition that they didn’t catch at your doctor’s appointment because you live in the country with the worst maternal death rate in the developed world.

“Emily has a toddler, but was suddenly so calm and positive. It was disconcerting. I think we all feel safer now that she’s gone,” Robertson slurred as she slurped down her third glass of Yellow Tail Chardonnay. “Where’s that waiter? The hot one with the ass! I wanna bite it!”

We hear you! It's hard to tell the difference between a developmentally normal little one, and a sadistic Romanian military leader who brutally tortured his foes in the 15th century, isn't it!?

If you’re going to raise a son who won’t grow up to be a basic, misogynistic tunnel-visioned fuck boi, consider the following names.