Mommy Group Ousts Member for Legal Marijuana Use, Celebrates by Getting Blasted on Cheap Chardonnay

Last week, a Chicago area support group for moms expelled member Emily Franklin, 34, when she disclosed that she takes cannabis-infused gummies after putting her daughter to bed. The group, who call themselves The Caber-YAYs, vehemently reject drug use and have stated that kicking out Franklin, a long-time sufferer of postpartum anxiety, was a “triumph of family values”. On Friday, The Caber-YAYs gathered for their local Macaroni Grill’s happy hour to celebrate the win by getting shit-faced.

Trisha Robertson, the group’s founder and mother of four, explained the decision while treating her buzzed cohort to another round of half-priced apps.

“Emily has a toddler, but was suddenly so calm and positive. It was disconcerting. I think we all feel safer now that she’s gone,” Robertson slurred as she slurped down her third glass of Yellow Tail Chardonnay. “Where’s that waiter? The hot one with the ass! I wanna bite it!”

Longtime group member, Melody Phillips, mother of Jack, 6, and Kyla, 18-months, explained that the group refused to enable drug use, even if it was helping Franklin’s health and improving her suffering marriage.

 “I don’t care if it was just 2.5mg. I don’t care if she got it at a government-regulated dispensary. It’s simple: Don’t use drugs to solve your problems,” Phillips stated just before realizing a friend was ordering an Uber. “Leona, you fucking bitch! I’m not going home to that bastard yet. Now put your phone down and slam this decanter of Sutter Home before I punch you in your titties!”

The Caber-YAYs agree that their only regret was not connecting the dots of Franklin’s shift in mood earlier. 

“I cry every time I think of the time she drove my kid home from daycare - how impaired she must have been!” said Meghan Summers before leaning over to a nursing mother sipping a 2019 Kendall-Jackson. “You’ve only had half of that, right? Can you come breathe into my Intoxalock? I gotta pick up the twins from dance and there’s no way my car is starting right now.” 

We reached out to Emily Franklin for comment, but have not heard back.  

“She’s prolllly dead ina ditchhhhh,” garbled Natasha Brown as she pried a discarded cocktail umbrella out of her infant’s mouth before blacking out on the restaurant’s musty, booze-stained carpet.