Mom-Shamed on Halloween? Here Are 5 Sick Comebacks You’ll Think of After Obsessively Replaying the Moment in Your Head, But You’d Never Have the Guts to Say IRL

For the kids, Halloween means costumes, candy and spooky fun! For us moms, however, the holiday means an onslaught of unsolicited parenting advice and judgment. You’ll inevitably be mom-shamed this Halloween and let’s be honest - There’s no way you are brave enough to clap back with a well-crafted zinger at the right moment. But don’t worry, you can rest easy knowing that you’ll think of the perfect retort… after losing a full night’s sleep obsessively replaying the moment over and over again in your head. 

Here are five sick burns you’ll think of at 4AM on November 1, that you’ll never have the guts to say IRL!

1/5

Rich, the Guy Next Door with a Shrine to Rush Limbaugh in His Garage

The Mom-Shame: “You let your son wear a princess costume!? What is it with you woke perverts?” Rich snarls as he aggressively chucks a stale Bit-O-Honey into Kevin’s plastic pumpkin.

What You Say in the Moment: With a nervous laugh, you say (barely audibly), “Haha, yeah, definitely. Totally. Thank you.”

What You Come Up With at 4AM: “Well at least he has the courage to live his truth out in the open, Rich! Unlike you with your pathetic ‘Let’s Go Brandon!’ flag hanging behind your shed. Everyone in the neighborhood knows you were one of those morons in D.C. playing “big brave boy” on January 6, and that you ran away like a goddamn baby because a Capital policeman yelled at you. If you had any real conviction you’d turn yourself into the feds. But you won’t. Because unlike my Kevin, you are a spineless prick!”

2/5

Liz, the “Perfect Mom” Who Used the Endorsement Money from Her Parenting IG Account to Buy a New Pair of Tits

The Mom-Shame: “Oh, you let your kids eat candy? That’s… cool,” says Liz with a saccharine smile before handing your daughter a slice of organic Honeycrisp apple cut out in the shape of a mermaid.

What You Say in the Moment: Nothing. Your mouth is too full of Snickers you stole from your kid. You just slink away.

What You Come Up With at 4AM: “We get it Liz, your family is healthy *CLAP* *CLAP* *CLAP*! Well, maybe your kids could use a little sugar because they look like Dickensian waifs counting down the minutes until they can dig fish heads out of the dumpster! Your kids don’t just need to eat candy - They need to eat fucking ANYTHING. And you need to EAT. MY. ASS.”

3/5

Barb, the Biddy Across the Cul-de-Sac, Who Constantly Criticizes Your Parenting Choices But Only in the Third Person While Looking at Your Child

The Mom-Shame: Barb puts on a big smile and looks directly into your daughter’s eyes sympathetically. “Oh, Princess Jasmine, you look chilly! Doesn’t your mommy have a turtleneck to cover up that bare belly and shoulders? Great for warmth and modesty!”

What You Say in the Moment: You’ve been waiting years for the right opportunity to tell Barb off, but suddenly you lose your words as you become transfixed on her camel toe which is lightly cocooned in her limited-edition jack-o’-lantern LuLaRoes.

What You Come Up With at 4AM: “First of all… she’s three! Why are you sexualizing her? Second…Don’t you dare come for Jasmine in my presence! Jasmine is an excellent role model in female leadership, defying arranged marriages and tiger stewardship. Third… Barb, you cannot say a damn word about anyone’s modesty when the entire cul-de-sac is forced to see the outline of your vagina through your leggings EVERY. DAY. I could pick your camel toe out of a lineup, ya’ whore!

4/5

You Mother-in-Law, Cathy, Whose “Free-Range Parenting” Methods Meant She Wasn’t Sure Where Her Son Was for Most of the 80s

The Mom-Shame: Cathy clocks you looking at your phone for 15 seconds. She puts her hand on your arm lovingly, but says condescendingly, “Honey, you need to be more present with the kids. It goes so fast.”

What You Say in the Moment: You just say, “Okay, Cathy,” and put your phone away because you are that desperate for a free babysitter.

What You Come Up With at 4AM: “Bitch, you forgot her son at a Walmart! And you didn’t remember until after you got to work, but didn’t go back to get him because he’d, “be fine!” Well, he WASN’T FINE, Cathy! He is emotionally triggered by big box stores now, so I have to make every god-awful trip to Costco alone, and that’s on top of all the other household shit I’m left to do myself. Would it kill you to load our dishwasher one time while you’re visiting us, you insufferable asshole!”

5/5

Tom, the Single, Childless Guy Who Goes ALL OUT for Halloween Which Is Kind of Weird

The Mom-Shame: After jumping out from behind a giant inflatable Jack Skellington and scaring the shit out of you, Tom looks at your daughter’s Paw Patrol costume sadly. “You just ordered that from Amazon, didn’t you? I may not be a parent yet, but I do know this: Halloween is SO much more magical for children when they have a costume that’s as unique as they are.”

What You Say in the Moment: Protecting your child is your number one job, so you ignore his comment and firmly say, “It’s past Meghan’s bedtime so-” But just then you realize your kid has disappeared into the Tom’s backyard haunted house. It really is kind of weird, so you gotta run and get her the hell out of there.

What You Come Up With at 4AM: “Tom, we all love the haunted house you make in your backyard every year but we would never let our kids in there alone. Wanna know why? Because you're an adult man who made a couple’s costume with your dog. Bert and Mary Pupp-ins? It’s kind of weird, Tom. I am so sorry that I don’t have the energy and passion and skillset to hand-make my kid’s costume like I’m Daniel Day Lewis in the Phantom-fucking-Thread. What are you doing with your life that you can make time to do all this shit!? EVERYONE THINKS YOU’RE WEIRD, TOM!”

Isn’t it empowering to see how you could have stood up for yourself? But you didn’t. And it’s too late now. Whatever you do, DO NOT send a text the next day or - gasp! - walk on up to their door and say it in person. You will always look like the crazy one.

But don’t worry, the holidays have just begun and you know that Christmas is peak mom-shaming season. Soon you’ll have endless opportunities to try to stand up for yourself and fail all over again!