Baby Boy Names That Say, “When That Dude Grows Up, I Bet He’ll Eat Pussy”

When it comes to picking a name for a son, there are a lot of things to think about: Is it better to play it safe and pick something more traditional? Or set them apart with something more modern? How will his name look on a job application in twenty years? And most importantly, does your baby’s name say, “When that dude grows up, I bet he’ll eat pussy?”

If you’re going to raise a son who won’t grow up to be a basic, misogynistic tunnel-visioned fuck boi, consider the following names.

Classic American boy names have a timeless quality about them. How about Edward, William, or Robert?

Not Matt, though.

If you name your son Matt he will likely be that guy in the Atkin-Colby dorms with the reputation for not going down on girls, and no one will hook up with him ever again. (Unless he finds a really insecure girl who didn’t date in high school, in which case he will end up manipulating her into dating him, and she will thus miss out on dozens - if not hundreds - of opportunities for young, virile, vulva-hungry collegians to make her cum her brains out.)

Not that this happened to me.

For a more cosmopolitan flair, brainstorm some fun international names, like Alejandro, Sanjay or Fritz.

Just be really discerning with Italian names. Don’t name him Vincenzo and definitely - DEFINITELY - not Dante.

A Dante will one day inevitably end up naked in the back seat of an Alfa Romeo with a young American woman (who ignorantly trusted what her sorority sisters told her about Italian guys before she left to study abroad), and it all turns sour because at dinner they had a Sambuca drinking contest, and just as he’s about to ravage her lady parts like a plate of pasta vongole, Dante pukes all over them instead.

I know the specificity of these details makes it sound like this was something that I experienced, but that’s not the case.

Get inspired by your favorite celebrities and historical figures! Maybe he’ll be a little artist with a name like Pablo or Vincent. Or perhaps young Christopher or Tenzing will become an explorer!

But be forewarned: The name doesn’t always translate.

Just because a guy is named James, doesn’t make him James Dean. Take it from me. James and their mothers have very close relationships, like bizarrely close. For instance, after three years of marriage James’s wife discovered that his mom gave him sponge baths until he was in fifth grade, and that she still calls him every night to help him fall asleep by singing the Alf theme song. And then suddenly a lot made sense to his wife. Like why this man is 38 and still wants to be called “Jimmy.” And why he immaturely gaslights her when she tries to communicate her sexual needs and claims that he never needed to go down on any of his ex girlfriends because they all got off simply by getting penetrated by his magical, golden, four-inch dong. They were faking it! JUST LIKE I HAVE BEEN FOR THE LAST SEVEN YEARS OF OUR RELATIONSHIP! YES I’M TALKING ABOUT US, JIMMY!!!! NOT THAT YOU’LL EVER READ THIS BECAUSE YOU HAVE NEVER TAKEN MY WORK SERIOUSLY!!

Still not sure what to name your son? Fear not. At the end of the day, his name really doesn’t matter. It is the love, support, and positive experiences you offer him that will help him become the wonderful man he is meant to be. 

But seriously, don't name him Colin, Jake, David, Eric, Ethan, Rowan, Travis, Caleb, Josh, Evan, Steven, Koji, Peter, Aaron, Michael, Seamus, Josiah or Troy. None of those fuckers ever ate my pussy.